Friday, February 08, 2008

was sitting at aunt fiona's place talking to ping, justin and martin (i can finally tell them apart) lol. they told me to get thru the army phase before i think about telling my mom. so lets just wait then.

yar. cny is a time of celebration. time of family fellowship. ushering of the new year. the virtue of giving and receiving. its like the married people give the rest ang paos. to me, its to signify responsibility, a new stage one enters, a greater sense of maturity and to remind us of the principle of 'its better to give then to receive'. signifying that life is gonna be more about giving in than just taking from now on. dont feel its mercenery in any way. i mean like, end of the day, everyone wants money. u need love, intelligence and interity but u also need money and success to impact people. u need it all to be a testimony. thats why God wants us to be rich i guess.

i mean like if i had money. my mom could stop working. my dad could do things that he liked more like cooking rather than slogging it in the office. i could pay for my girlfriends education. i could give my future kids a comfortable life. i could fund cancer research incase my ciggy loving cousin gets into deep shit next time.

today was a day of disappointment. i mean like. its in me to never wanna see people i care about hurt themselves. especially in front of me. and i put on that smile and i tried. but each time i saw her stick it in and blow the smoke out. i just felt so sad. someone i have known like since forever. in this state, it gets me depressed thinking about it. i mean like i dont share that twin bond like shelly. but to a certain extent. u just feel like spiritually connected, cus we shared so much since we were kids, both of u are like the sisters i never had. and its almost as thou the smoke was going into my own lungs. and i snapped cus i felt hurt and angry with myself, cus i could do nothing about it and it knew i could do nothing about it.

there and then, i understood. this trait came from my mom. and my mom treated me like the way i treated manda. so the next time, i hope i ll be more appreciative. because some bonds are made over time, over experiences, over things we do for each other and with each other. everyone i care for belongs to me as much as i belong to them. things they do will not hurt me emotionally or physically, but spiritual beings intertwined, and in words i cant describe, i feel their joy. i feel their pain. so next time u think about doing something to urself with the notion that its my body and its my life. think again.

as for what ping told me about wad aunt julia did to her last time when she was my age. haha. respect man. and if mr matthew is still reading. i m not emo la. its just that coming from that happy go lucky person i used to be. i think i grew up alot. and to a certain extent, not a large one but still a significant extent. i stopped living just for myself but for those around me as well. u can be optimistic, driven and pressing on to ur dreams and visions, but u cant box yourself into a world of ur own and pretend that the things that are happening around u, arent happening.

|cowpoo| 10:46 PM|

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